meehh...

Hey guys. I know it's been a long time since I've blogged. I just thought about it and felt a little bad bout it. So now I'm here again. I just wanted to write some of my thoughts down. Thinks I've been thinking about. Stuff I haven't shared on my blog I guess...

First of all I wanted to list three good things that happened yesterday:

first) I got to smoke again, with out feeling paranoid.
second) I had a lovely and funny time in the train with my friends...
third) I didn't sleep at home. I felt more at home where I slept than I do at my actual home. It was nice. I felt accepted and had an amazing evening.

Now I'd like to list three things that wasn't too pleasant for me yesterday:

first) I didn't have the chance to vomit after eating.
second) I got a little stressed-angry at my really good friend, because I'm always worried that I don't have enough time for anything. I can't stand being late if it isn't on my own terms..? and because we had to get to the bus stop in time for the bus, and my friend hadn't packed her stuff, we were late. So I got stressed and a little moody. I really regret that. And I hate myself for being that way. I will try to work on it so it doesn't affect me and my friends that more.
third) I found out that I'm going to share the bus ride to London with a dude I really can't stand. But it wasn't that unpleasant, I just wish he was up on the other bus.

That being written, I don't feel too good about myself today. I woke up besides my friend. She's so lovely. Her mom brought in a really amazing breakfast. I've only slept four hours, but I can't sleep anymore, even though I want to. Anyway... My friend is still sleeping, and when she told me she was going to sleep I didn't mind. And I really don't. She should get the amount of sleep needed for her. So I got up, took my cloths on. Picked up my laptop, iPod and walked into her living room(where I am now). I got out side, and sat on her balcony and smoked a couple of cigarettes. I felt the regret of eating yesterday and today. Especially without throwing it all up again. So after the smokes I went to the bathroom, vomited, but couldn't get it all up. Now I feel horrible about eating and not being able to get it out again. I hate myself for it. Really.
Now I'm sitting in this lovely chair in her living room, and feeling more at home than I do at my actual home. It's weird and kind of sad, I guess. I sit here thinking about my life. How fucked up it is somehow. How I feel like a pathetic loser.
I haven't cut in a very long time. The urge is the all the time, and I think about it too much every day. Right now, I just want to pick up my blade and slit my skin open. All these things makes me think, a lot, about how other people see me. If I wasn't me... I don't know what I would think. I guess I wouldn't even try to be friends with me. I can't see anything good about myself. I'm not funny, I'm not pretty, skinny, healthy... I'm a cutter, and I don't know, but I feel like I might be starting on an eating disorder. I want to die, but I don't. I want to know if my self gets any better. I'm hoping on it, but not counting on it. The thoughts about my life in the future, is me. Without that many friends, because most of them has just given up on me. Without a boyfriend, because when they have to be with me twenty-four/seven they'll finally find someone else who is better for them. Someone who isn't so pathetic as me. Someone not as fucked up. Someone I would want to be, but I'll never even get close. I want to change. I want a new me. It's just hard with the past and all the garbage and stuff I take with me. People always say, stop feeling like that, and start loving yourself. My thoughts to that saying is "It's hard going from hate to love". I think there are more and more people starting to feel as I do. That is probably the worst feelings you could ever have towards yourself. At least that's what I've been told.
When all that being written, I have a lot of anger towards the media. I hate the way they're like "love yourself no matter what. Size, appearance etc....", while showing us pictures of skinny, beautiful girls in magazines. You turn to the next page, and there is two whole pages with strategies of how to lose weight in a healthy way. I don't know how many girls actually do the stuff they write, but I know that a lot(including myself), get so frustrated, tired, sad and helpless. Then they turn to unhealthy methods, like starving, vomiting, etc. Some over eat, and become more unsatisfied with their body. I think it's so sad... because in the beginning the media and society is all like "eww, why is she/he so thin? why does s/he cut, just stop you pathetic loser! Ew, why doesn't s/he lose some weight? etc. etc. etc...." But, then. Suddenly, one of us commits suicide. Society changes for a second. They act another way, they start saying stuff like "that's so sad, s/he was such an amazing and beautiful person. Why hasn't anyone helped her/him. We all need to be more supportive. If you know people who might have and eating disorder, suicide thoughts, cut etc. help them out." For a while people open their eyes, thinks about their friends. Who might be next? When the second passes everything is back to "normal", and they forget about the pain people might have. I know you can't help everyone, you also have to take care of yourself. But just remember that the words you might have said or might be saying can hurt a person more than you can ever imagine. If you call a girl/boy (for example) fat, then telling her/him it was a joke, s/he can take it as your secret way for actually telling the truth, even though it might not be. When a person, like myself, has been thinking horribly about oneself their whole life, can get really awkward around sex, compliments and other stuff. For example, I am really not that comfortable around sex. I've only had it once(a one night stand). It wasn't good, but I wont get into details. When I was younger, some of my boundaries were crossed, and after a lot of thinking about it, I now know that that is the reason I'm that uncomfortable around it. I get nervous about the thought of giving head, having sex, foreplay and all that stuff. I've told two of my really amazing friends about the story about it. What happened and my feelings behind it. One of them told me that "If someone who was supposed to respect your boundaries suddenly breaks it, it doesn't matter how much they've crossed the line, just the fact that they did, can affect and hurt you so much". I think it was the most perfect way to describe it.

Alright. I'm sorry for writing so much. That wasn't my intetion, but I just had to put my thoughts in writing. Love you all, stay safe and strong for me. xx
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