Beautiful Body

I haven't been on here for a while now, but decided it was time.
I want to write a little about the human body. What makes it beautiful? Will you only be considered beautiful if you are as thin as a skeleton, or are you beautiful once you've accepted your body?
Lots of people have told me that your body is as beautiful as it can get when you have accepted it, but that doesn't mean that other people will find me beautiful. I don't consider myself beautiful or pretty or anything like that. Not whining but just sharing my thoughts.
So models. They are thin cause they have to be, otherwise they wont get hired. I could never be a model, I am simply not thin or special enough. And that I do accept. But, why is it that more and more young girls and boys gets eating disorders? I know, since I have one myself... I think what triggered me was all the images at bus stops, magazines etc. of this underweight ladies. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be thin and happy with my body. I wanted to be able to wear any dress or shirt and still look thin. I don't care if I wont have boobs or ability to get children... I just want to be able to do stuff I don't feel I can do with this fat on my body.
But having an eating disorder isn't easy, and I got trapped in this "other" world where I skipped food, threw up if I did have any and so it goes on. I wasn't able to have fun because I was always thinking too much about where we were going, and if I had the opportunity to throw up at the place, and if not what then would I do. Luckily my e.d. has gotten better and I don't throw up as much as I used to... But the thing is, when you first find this "new way" of losing weight fast, you will always remember and you can always get triggered to do it again. I don't know why I want to write about this, but it's been on my mind lately, and now I just had to write it all down. Maybe it helps?

I want all of you reading this to know, that... I know everyone tells you to lose weight in a healthy way, and yes it's hard, but trust me, it is so worth it! Work out and stuff is much better... You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you have been throwing up 5-10 times a day the last two years, and just feel your body giving up on you. It's not even yourself that's giving up, it's your body, and you can't do a thing about it. So pretty please stop before it's too late. I promise you everything will be okay.

idk what im doing.. but thank you for reading all of this.

Lyrics

I just came across some of the small lyrics I've been writing since 2012... and well... I came across this one:

16th of January 2012

She looks in the mirror.

The cracks on her reflection hurts.

As the  pieces of her falls to the ground and crashes.

While leaving her empty.

Her world is grey and black.

She wants to, but she can never go back.

The urge of her addiction arise, as the sun vanishes behind the horizon.

Now the only thing on her mind is self-harm and change.

-and I thought about it. It seems so... so utterly stupid. I felt so dumb as I read it. Those are my words... and they aren't good. How could I ever have believed that they were? I mean come on!

That is all bullshit right up there! 

Yes, I am a little ashamed of my self actually... but I guess I've just grown since haven written it, and that is positive I guess? 

Oh well...

Homicide

I was just watching a documentary about death row. It got me thinking, and it is something I've always thought about: if a person comits homicide, and gets put in jail with a death sentence doesn't that make the persons killing this guy or girl a homicidal too? Their are trying to tell us that killing people is illigal, but that back fires on them when they exicute homicidals and make them one too. 

Hate and Love?

The saying "destroy what destroys you" - some might see the saying as a show of strenght, others might find it as their help to suicide. But if we have to destroy what destroys us, why is it illigal for me to destroy a person that destroyed me? If I was allowed to kill the person I truely hate, I wouldn't, I would want her to suffer, to feel pain and make her regret what she did. But then she would be allowed to do the same back at me. So I guess I wont get to see her in pain... Maybe one day, but not because of me.

 Well maybe.. I know... Next time she talks to me, I will speak from my heart... The real me. All the stuff I have had in my mind since she came along. I trusted her, and she threw me on the ground so hard and so many times it's too hard for me to get back up again. 

I have never really believed in the word hate. It has been so over used, just like love. The word isn't that special any more. So what do we do when we more than the expression hate a person, and more than the expression love a person? What are the new words for hate and love? 

Her sentence

I want to crawl out of my window. Leave a note saying that I will come back soon. That I need time away. Time for my self. Time for savior before I kill my self. It will be the strongest thing I will ever do. Take the life of myself. Many say its selfish to commit suicide. I get where they are coming from, but I don't think it's selfish. If they don't feel accepted it's not the person committing suicide that is the selfish one... well, yes for maybe once the person is thinking about it self instead of others first. The person wants the pain to get away. 

My grandmother once told me something. I was in that state where I had tried committing suicide many times but no one knew/knows. She said that we shouldn't help the people who had tried to commit suicide and survived. We should just let them die. So then I thought... I should just die then? Her sentence has hunted me ever since it left her mouth. I don't think I was any older than thirteen. That was also the time where I first tried smoking. I had found a nearly full pack of Marlboro at a cafe. Nobody noticed me shoving it into my bag. I tried smoking them... As I look back, I didn't inhale the first couple of cigarettes. I then stopped because I was young and well I wasn't addicted and I didn't know where I should buy more. Then this one summer, I started smoking. For real. Now I'm addicted. I smoke instead of cutting. I smoke instead of eating too much. I feel like a failure all the time. I'm so fucking fat I can't describe it! I don't think I will ever be able to show myself naked to anyone I like. I really don't. It's the hardest thing. I hate my reflection when I look in the mirror. When I am showering I attach a lot of towels to our shelves in the bathroom so I wont have to look at my body. Once, my BMI was 17; I want it to be that again. It's uncomfortably 20.01 at the moment. I hate it. I hate it. It makes me want to cry, cut off all of my fat, scream and destroy stuff(mostly myself). 

I want to die. I will anyway. I will die of something caused of my overweight. Fuck life. I hate myself. Fuck it.Fuck it all. Fuck everything. Fuck.

What is the point of living if you've already given up?

Cloths

So why is cloths so importan? We judge from what we see... We first fall in love with the appearance andthen the personality. It is a cruel world! I havethough tried falling in love with a person who I actually didn't find attractive at all to begin with. It all changed ihenI got to know him better. The problem was though that he was too old, and even though our family isn't one where my parents have to approve the guy I would be dating, but they sure would not like me to be with a guy that age. 

But back to the cloths. I have been think about it a lot. 

Many people express themselfs trough their clothing. When I was an emo-kid i expressed it thorugh cloths and makeup. I looked so sad, mad, unhappy and depressed all the time. I were. Sometimes I made a mohawk if I had a punkish day, sometimes I flattend it. Oh my fucking christ do you know how hard it is to be emo with curly hair? It is doomed for disaster! Anyway, now, I don't consider myself as emo. I see myself more like... Well, just me. I where the cloths I feel like. I try to put on something with color. Of course I have those days where I wear nothing but black, but not in that emo kind of way. More ind the, not to be rude, stilish way. I've been emo, so I think I have the right to say that it wasn't the most stylish period of my life. 

Anywho. There was this one day where I was sitting in the train on my way to my friends house. I had my thight fitted dark grey jacket on, stay-ups with holes in them and my black plateau pair of shoes. As I was sitting there listening to Marilyn Manson in my headphones, I realized that I was being judged... Extremely! There was a lot of people getting on the train that day, but no one dared to sit next to me. They all looked shocked at me, my mohawk, dark makeup and lipstick. They were afraid of me. It made me realize that... I didn't wan't people to notice me and think negativly about me, but yes, do want people to notice me... But in a positive way. I told my friend what I had thought about, and she agreed. It's better to be noticed by a cute guy where he might think, she looks pretty nice, then by a cute guy where he might think, shit what happend to her? 

So I took a long look at myself. Looked at pictures of me and noticed how much that was just not me. It is some days, but not everyday all day. I started to clean out my closet. Threw out and gave away cloths. I bought so much new and got better at noticing what I wear. A little too much maybe. I change cloths some many times in one day it makes me sick. If I don't feel comfortable in the cloths I wear... I jet anxious and confused... Then I change till I find something that fits me that one day... Or hour. 

The thing is... I don't even know if ere is anyone reading my posts, but if there are; Thank you. Truely thank you. It means the world to me. 

Any-anyway, my outfit to day is a long black and white maxi dress from Monki. It's my favorite dress because you can wear it at a party or something casual(or when you are just home alone like me). See it for yourself.

It would probably look even better on someone skinnier than me;) 

I love to have a simple eye makeup on with this dress, and then some dark redish lipstick. 

My concealer is from Lancôme Paris. After I applyed that I put on my mascara from MaxFactor - 2000 Calorie Dramatic Volume, after that my other mascara from L'Oréal Paris - Mega Volume Collagene. 

My lip stick... Actually its more of a lipgloss is from Estée Lauder - Lip Vinyl Gloss Stick Palette.

Heres a picture of my makeup... (Thanks for reading all of my thoughts)