Her sentence

I want to crawl out of my window. Leave a note saying that I will come back soon. That I need time away. Time for my self. Time for savior before I kill my self. It will be the strongest thing I will ever do. Take the life of myself. Many say its selfish to commit suicide. I get where they are coming from, but I don't think it's selfish. If they don't feel accepted it's not the person committing suicide that is the selfish one... well, yes for maybe once the person is thinking about it self instead of others first. The person wants the pain to get away. 

My grandmother once told me something. I was in that state where I had tried committing suicide many times but no one knew/knows. She said that we shouldn't help the people who had tried to commit suicide and survived. We should just let them die. So then I thought... I should just die then? Her sentence has hunted me ever since it left her mouth. I don't think I was any older than thirteen. That was also the time where I first tried smoking. I had found a nearly full pack of Marlboro at a cafe. Nobody noticed me shoving it into my bag. I tried smoking them... As I look back, I didn't inhale the first couple of cigarettes. I then stopped because I was young and well I wasn't addicted and I didn't know where I should buy more. Then this one summer, I started smoking. For real. Now I'm addicted. I smoke instead of cutting. I smoke instead of eating too much. I feel like a failure all the time. I'm so fucking fat I can't describe it! I don't think I will ever be able to show myself naked to anyone I like. I really don't. It's the hardest thing. I hate my reflection when I look in the mirror. When I am showering I attach a lot of towels to our shelves in the bathroom so I wont have to look at my body. Once, my BMI was 17; I want it to be that again. It's uncomfortably 20.01 at the moment. I hate it. I hate it. It makes me want to cry, cut off all of my fat, scream and destroy stuff(mostly myself). 

I want to die. I will anyway. I will die of something caused of my overweight. Fuck life. I hate myself. Fuck it.Fuck it all. Fuck everything. Fuck.