disorders i guess

Who would ever love a girl like me?

A girl with an eating disorder.

A girl who cuts, hits herself.

A girl with a depression.

A girl who is too fat it shouldn't be legal.

A girl who is me.

Magazines talk about weight-loss. Even magazines for kids! 

Society wants us to love our self's. But that isn't necessarily true, is it? They're really blindsiding us. First they show us photos of these super unhealthy-skinny model girls. Then they tell us that we should love our womanly curves. Well fuck you! If you want us to love our body's, then do something about it sooner or later! Frankly it's too late. At least for me and a lot of other girls and boys. I know some girls, who look at them-self's in the mirror. All they see is fat. Even if they are extremely skinny. Why has the media and society brainwashed us so fucking extreme? It's actually scary when you think about it. One magazine can change a young girls opinion on herself and her body. She will maybe starve herself, workout way too hard, and she will in the end, maybe end up in hospital, where she cant do anything... she is basically tied up to the hospital bed, and has a needle stuck in her arm; is that where they want all these young boys and girls headed? Driving some to self-harm, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts and sadly not just attempts. 

I feel in control when I plan ahead that I don't want to eat... and if I do, I will find someway to not be noticed in throwing it up again. It makes me feel really good inside. I love the feeling of feeling hungry and being able to control it. But in the end, its not me who controls it. Its the bulimic demon inside of me. I love and hate it at the same time. I want to get rid of it, but at the same time I don't. 

I smoke so I wont cut and so I wont be too hungry. Its a mean ugly circle. And if I could... I would take all the self-harming-, eating disorder-, depression-demons away from every person who has them... let them into my body. It would make go extremely low of course... but wouldn't it be worth it? I don't know any more. I don't know what life is about. Of course the end is dying... but, all that in between... what is it supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? Find love... which I probably never will. Then what? Get educated... what is it useful for? Yes, you will earn money, you will have knowledge about certain stuff... but in the end we are all equal dumb, numb, ugly, crazy, broke/rich you name it... we are all humans. We are all the same. But different... I guess this doesn't make any sense... I need a cigarette... damn it... fucking addictions. You have one, and you replace it with another one...