Homicide

I was just watching a documentary about death row. It got me thinking, and it is something I've always thought about: if a person comits homicide, and gets put in jail with a death sentence doesn't that make the persons killing this guy or girl a homicidal too? Their are trying to tell us that killing people is illigal, but that back fires on them when they exicute homicidals and make them one too. 

Hate and Love?

The saying "destroy what destroys you" - some might see the saying as a show of strenght, others might find it as their help to suicide. But if we have to destroy what destroys us, why is it illigal for me to destroy a person that destroyed me? If I was allowed to kill the person I truely hate, I wouldn't, I would want her to suffer, to feel pain and make her regret what she did. But then she would be allowed to do the same back at me. So I guess I wont get to see her in pain... Maybe one day, but not because of me.

 Well maybe.. I know... Next time she talks to me, I will speak from my heart... The real me. All the stuff I have had in my mind since she came along. I trusted her, and she threw me on the ground so hard and so many times it's too hard for me to get back up again. 

I have never really believed in the word hate. It has been so over used, just like love. The word isn't that special any more. So what do we do when we more than the expression hate a person, and more than the expression love a person? What are the new words for hate and love? 

Her sentence

I want to crawl out of my window. Leave a note saying that I will come back soon. That I need time away. Time for my self. Time for savior before I kill my self. It will be the strongest thing I will ever do. Take the life of myself. Many say its selfish to commit suicide. I get where they are coming from, but I don't think it's selfish. If they don't feel accepted it's not the person committing suicide that is the selfish one... well, yes for maybe once the person is thinking about it self instead of others first. The person wants the pain to get away. 

My grandmother once told me something. I was in that state where I had tried committing suicide many times but no one knew/knows. She said that we shouldn't help the people who had tried to commit suicide and survived. We should just let them die. So then I thought... I should just die then? Her sentence has hunted me ever since it left her mouth. I don't think I was any older than thirteen. That was also the time where I first tried smoking. I had found a nearly full pack of Marlboro at a cafe. Nobody noticed me shoving it into my bag. I tried smoking them... As I look back, I didn't inhale the first couple of cigarettes. I then stopped because I was young and well I wasn't addicted and I didn't know where I should buy more. Then this one summer, I started smoking. For real. Now I'm addicted. I smoke instead of cutting. I smoke instead of eating too much. I feel like a failure all the time. I'm so fucking fat I can't describe it! I don't think I will ever be able to show myself naked to anyone I like. I really don't. It's the hardest thing. I hate my reflection when I look in the mirror. When I am showering I attach a lot of towels to our shelves in the bathroom so I wont have to look at my body. Once, my BMI was 17; I want it to be that again. It's uncomfortably 20.01 at the moment. I hate it. I hate it. It makes me want to cry, cut off all of my fat, scream and destroy stuff(mostly myself). 

I want to die. I will anyway. I will die of something caused of my overweight. Fuck life. I hate myself. Fuck it.Fuck it all. Fuck everything. Fuck.

What is the point of living if you've already given up?

Cloths

So why is cloths so importan? We judge from what we see... We first fall in love with the appearance andthen the personality. It is a cruel world! I havethough tried falling in love with a person who I actually didn't find attractive at all to begin with. It all changed ihenI got to know him better. The problem was though that he was too old, and even though our family isn't one where my parents have to approve the guy I would be dating, but they sure would not like me to be with a guy that age. 

But back to the cloths. I have been think about it a lot. 

Many people express themselfs trough their clothing. When I was an emo-kid i expressed it thorugh cloths and makeup. I looked so sad, mad, unhappy and depressed all the time. I were. Sometimes I made a mohawk if I had a punkish day, sometimes I flattend it. Oh my fucking christ do you know how hard it is to be emo with curly hair? It is doomed for disaster! Anyway, now, I don't consider myself as emo. I see myself more like... Well, just me. I where the cloths I feel like. I try to put on something with color. Of course I have those days where I wear nothing but black, but not in that emo kind of way. More ind the, not to be rude, stilish way. I've been emo, so I think I have the right to say that it wasn't the most stylish period of my life. 

Anywho. There was this one day where I was sitting in the train on my way to my friends house. I had my thight fitted dark grey jacket on, stay-ups with holes in them and my black plateau pair of shoes. As I was sitting there listening to Marilyn Manson in my headphones, I realized that I was being judged... Extremely! There was a lot of people getting on the train that day, but no one dared to sit next to me. They all looked shocked at me, my mohawk, dark makeup and lipstick. They were afraid of me. It made me realize that... I didn't wan't people to notice me and think negativly about me, but yes, do want people to notice me... But in a positive way. I told my friend what I had thought about, and she agreed. It's better to be noticed by a cute guy where he might think, she looks pretty nice, then by a cute guy where he might think, shit what happend to her? 

So I took a long look at myself. Looked at pictures of me and noticed how much that was just not me. It is some days, but not everyday all day. I started to clean out my closet. Threw out and gave away cloths. I bought so much new and got better at noticing what I wear. A little too much maybe. I change cloths some many times in one day it makes me sick. If I don't feel comfortable in the cloths I wear... I jet anxious and confused... Then I change till I find something that fits me that one day... Or hour. 

The thing is... I don't even know if ere is anyone reading my posts, but if there are; Thank you. Truely thank you. It means the world to me. 

Any-anyway, my outfit to day is a long black and white maxi dress from Monki. It's my favorite dress because you can wear it at a party or something casual(or when you are just home alone like me). See it for yourself.

It would probably look even better on someone skinnier than me;) 

I love to have a simple eye makeup on with this dress, and then some dark redish lipstick. 

My concealer is from Lancôme Paris. After I applyed that I put on my mascara from MaxFactor - 2000 Calorie Dramatic Volume, after that my other mascara from L'Oréal Paris - Mega Volume Collagene. 

My lip stick... Actually its more of a lipgloss is from Estée Lauder - Lip Vinyl Gloss Stick Palette.

Heres a picture of my makeup... (Thanks for reading all of my thoughts)

Money and cigarrets

I'm a smoker. I smoke too much than I should, I know. What bothers me at the moment is that where I live(denmark) they are talking about setting the cigarret price up. They want to do it so young people, as my self, who are really allowed to by cigarrets, cant afford somking. I get their point of view, but the thuing that bothers me the most is, we will still be smoking. We will still be able to buy cigarrets but its just really expecive. At the moment it is really expencive to be a smoker, but they are thinking about dubbling the price by halv of what it costs atm. That means that the price for one pack of cigarrets I smoke, wich is already expecive(43 danish krones) will now cost around 66,- dk. Or more! 

I turely understand their point of view, but what I think, and also a lot of others my age think would be a better idea, is that instead of making the cigarrets price higher, they just have to have more security than they do. The shops will NEED ID and such, because that also makes it humiliating to try buying a pack and get regected. 

I also think about all the retired people. If they are smokers too, they are allowed to buy their cigarrets without having to worrie to much about their money. They only have the money that is left in their savings. Some are richer than others, but the poor once who just wants to enjoy their last years with a cigarret in their hand, will have it harder and some even money troubles. Don't we have to think about them as well?

Smoking is a choise. I chose it... I know all the effects it has, and what it can cause. I don't need a lectior of that. But the thing is, these cigarrets helps me through the day. Not because its an addiction, but I smoke instead of selfharming. It calms me when my anxiety gets too much. It makes me look more positiv at the world. It is somehow my daily drug. 

After people have read my statments, they'll probably answer crossly back and say "well, the underaged will just ask one of their older friends or family members to buy the cigarrets for them!". And yes, we probably will. But don't you think its better to let people make their own foolish choises? You can tru to teach your cat not to shit on the floor. Maybe it woundn't do it again, maybe it will. Of course we can't compare ourselfs to cats, but try to see where I'm coming from. 

Ironicly cigarrets saved my life. Its the thing that gets me through the day. I hate and love them at the same time. 

This smoking stuff wouldn't be an issue, if smoking wasn't unhealthy. But what about candy? That is very unhealthy too. Maybe mire than we think. So why do we allow overweight people to buy more candy or cakes? Because we aren't the once to tell them not to. It's their choise. Some actually want to be overweight, believe it or not, and some(I think moste of them) don't want to be overweight.

What I am trying to say, and maybe you've already stopped reading this, because its just the same things I say over and over again; but what I trying to say is, it wont help anyone to higher the price of a pack of cigarrets. Young people will still be smoking. It is actually more about the culture, friends, family and schools.

The boarding school I went to, there no one was allowed to smoke, not even the teachers while they were at the school. Some of the teachers did though(of course) but many of them didn't. I smoked while I lived there. Me and my friends who were also smokers, we found spots around the neighborhood where it was "safe" for us to smoke. If a teacher caut us smoking we would be sendt home for a week to think about what we had done. They would tell our parents and such. If we got busted smoking inside the school building, we would be expelled. The thing is, not all of the schools are as stricht as our was. My school wasn't even that stricht at all. But some. Of these boarding schools has these rules but don't follow through with them. I think my point is, that schools has a huge responsobility. For example: the public schools. The one I attended sucked ass, and is the reason of my depression, eating disorder, selfharm and anxiety... Enough about me, the school sucks ass, but I think... If the school board had this rule for all schools in denmark, public or private, you will have to have a signed note from your parents telling the school that they allow their child to smoke at recces etc. but if a boy or girl smokes without having this signed paiper, the school will have to call their parents and tell them what they have observed. Some of these teens will hide as I did, and that makes it harder to smoke. If you have to walk a long way to be sure not to get busted, so wont smoke as much. So actually quit. It just isn't worth it.

In Denmark a lot of young underaged people smoke. Some only do it at parties, some do it when they feel like it, some do it when they are in the right company and some, las myself, smoke everyday to "survive". We will never be able to stop youngsters from making this bad choise. We can never stop it. What many girls follow is fashion. Some thinks its fashion to smoke, and that is then their reason to do it. The media has a huge impact on teenagers, so we cant only blame the teens friends, culture and such, we also have to blame some of it on the media. 

There are a lot of girls who see these comercials everyday, the TV screen is filled with underweight girls who gets the sexy boy, and she can wear any dress, jeans, jacket or top she wishes, because of her too skinny body. Some girls start to smoke in the hope of loosing weight. 

I noticed I have written a little too much now. My hands are shaking(and no, it is not because of my cigarret addiction!)

Hope it was time well spent on reading this... Otherwise I am sorry, and no you will never get the time back you spent on reading this. 

once again

Todays outfit

Today I'm going to these interviews where I'm kind of going to decide if I want to be a pastry chef or if I want to be something like a graphic designer or something third. So I went with something casual, I guess... See for yourself... 

 

I have short blond curly hair(dyed of course). I mad a tiny ponytail and used some bobbypins for the leftover hair that wasn't long enough. I have this black hair band I tied around my hair kind of afterwards. 

Because I wanted it casual, I didn't use too much makeup. 

The makeup I used was this concealer from Lancôme Paris.

After I applied that, I thought about some eyeliner, but decided not to go for that today. Instead I just applied my mascara from L'Oréal Paris: Mega Volume Collagene 24h.

And then I put on my other mascara to give my lashes more length: MaxFactor 2000 Calorie Dramatic Volume.

(22nd of august 2013)

dream or nightmare?

I had this dream. Some would probably call it a nightmare, but to me it was a dream. 

I dreamed  that I was with two girl and this boy. I can't really remember what the looked like... only that one of the girls had long pretty hair. She was skinny... she was me, just skinny and pretty with the long pretty hair I'm dreaming of having. 

We all went to this house. It was empty. Really empty except from the mattress that was laying in the corner. The guy, lets call him Kasper, stood in front of the mattress. The two girls were looking at him, then me. The one who looked like me, lets call her Linn, started to smile. Not as if she was happy and she was about to laugh, but she smiled in this creepy way. It made me frown. Then the other girl also smiled in the same way that made me feel unsafe. I looked at Kasper, his face was pail white. His lips had lost its color. Everything was grey. 

The girl handed Linn some knifes. They were sharp and pointy. They were in different sizes, most of them were small and looked to me the sharpest of them all. 

Before we even thought about what she was going to use the knifes for, she threw one directly at Kasper. It went through the air and cut his back open. She didn't really go for his heart. She wanted him to suffer, it was like torture. As she threw five knifes or more(time went really fast) I walked over to Kasper. Stood in front of him. I didn't think she would through any more knifes if I was there. I was wrong. The knifes came cutting my back open as well. Then... Linn threw this butcher knife, just before it would have hit me in my stomach, Kasper grabbed me, though us both onto the mattress, he shoved me closest to the wall and himself closest to Linn. More and more knifes hit our backs. There was blood all over the mattress. 

So my thought is; why didn't we say anything. This whole dream there wasn't one person talking. Other thought is, wasn't this a nightmare? The rest of the night I felt this huge pain in my back. I didn't dare sleeping on my back, I really believed that someone had cut my back open. I kind of wanted the whole thing to be true. I want a reason to my daily life pain. I want a true reason to my depression, self-harm, anxiety and my eating disorder. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me, except form the stuff my dad did and the bullying, but other than that nothing. Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. Not sometimes, more like everyday. I wish I had this pretty long hair. I wish I was that skinny. I wish for so many things to change on my body, and I feels so selfish to have all these wishes. 

disorders i guess

Who would ever love a girl like me?

A girl with an eating disorder.

A girl who cuts, hits herself.

A girl with a depression.

A girl who is too fat it shouldn't be legal.

A girl who is me.

Magazines talk about weight-loss. Even magazines for kids! 

Society wants us to love our self's. But that isn't necessarily true, is it? They're really blindsiding us. First they show us photos of these super unhealthy-skinny model girls. Then they tell us that we should love our womanly curves. Well fuck you! If you want us to love our body's, then do something about it sooner or later! Frankly it's too late. At least for me and a lot of other girls and boys. I know some girls, who look at them-self's in the mirror. All they see is fat. Even if they are extremely skinny. Why has the media and society brainwashed us so fucking extreme? It's actually scary when you think about it. One magazine can change a young girls opinion on herself and her body. She will maybe starve herself, workout way too hard, and she will in the end, maybe end up in hospital, where she cant do anything... she is basically tied up to the hospital bed, and has a needle stuck in her arm; is that where they want all these young boys and girls headed? Driving some to self-harm, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts and sadly not just attempts. 

I feel in control when I plan ahead that I don't want to eat... and if I do, I will find someway to not be noticed in throwing it up again. It makes me feel really good inside. I love the feeling of feeling hungry and being able to control it. But in the end, its not me who controls it. Its the bulimic demon inside of me. I love and hate it at the same time. I want to get rid of it, but at the same time I don't. 

I smoke so I wont cut and so I wont be too hungry. Its a mean ugly circle. And if I could... I would take all the self-harming-, eating disorder-, depression-demons away from every person who has them... let them into my body. It would make go extremely low of course... but wouldn't it be worth it? I don't know any more. I don't know what life is about. Of course the end is dying... but, all that in between... what is it supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? Find love... which I probably never will. Then what? Get educated... what is it useful for? Yes, you will earn money, you will have knowledge about certain stuff... but in the end we are all equal dumb, numb, ugly, crazy, broke/rich you name it... we are all humans. We are all the same. But different... I guess this doesn't make any sense... I need a cigarette... damn it... fucking addictions. You have one, and you replace it with another one...